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Context and Analysis of all the Latest Bullshit

Brought to you by a ragtag band of plucky veterans from The Daily Show and Countdown w/ Keith Olbermann

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Our Opening Statement

to Donald Trump

 

 

We here at The Fucking News usually try to avoid the political-strategist-by-proxy approach, so we hope you’ll indulge us this exception, our proposed, two-minute, opening statement for debating Donald Trump.

You could be winning.

 

You inherited riches and all they bring. You flaunted a uniquely American kind of swagger. You were a TV star who built things.

People liked you. You could do no wrong.

 

You praised socialized medicine: Republican voters liked you. You defended progressive tax rates: Republican voters liked you. You insulted American prisoners of war: Republican voters liked you.

 

You could do anything: Your voters would follow.

 

You could have eased their fears about the future, showed them why an inclusive America is a better America.

Beyond ideological politics, you could have ended the toxic way we do politics today.

 

Because when we talk about making America great again, we are not talking about a static building you raise, walking away from those who built and reside in it. America is a constantly moving machine—a machine of gorgeous design and intent—a machine which we sometimes stumble in using, but which is never, itself, not great. The system isn’t broken. We are, in using it. And you could have changed that.

You could have undone the way we demonize each other, could have assured us that we are all Americans who want what’s best for America and that our differences do not make any of us evil, they make all of us strong.

 

You could have reminded us—all of us—that “political correctness” describes nothing less than the same virtue that the Declaration of Independence enshrined as “a decent respect to the opinions of mankind.” That the debate over how to speak to and about each other will never be resolved, because it should not be. Because the task for which the American machine was created will never end, is not meant to end, because America calls us forever to improve and expand our inclusive democracy, never to stop building a more perfect union.

 

And to engage civilly in this unending debate, you could have rejected personal invective and restored America’s respect for studied consideration, for intellectualism. You could have led us to revere teachers and scientists again. You could have elevated learning, logic, and factual mastery again, over the indulgence and exaltation of our own impulses—so we’d remember that studying for the future, thinking about our course of action, did not make us weak or unsteady in the moment, it made us more likely to win in the end. To win wars. To walk on the moon. We had humility in our swagger. We were inspired to be better because we felt shame when we fell short.

You could have done all that and because we’d remember that it used to be true we’d have believed you that it could be true again. Your opponents would have respected you. Your supporters would have loved you as much as they do now, except there would be more of them—and they would know hope, and fortitude, and grace, and the humility in practice that comes with true confidence of purpose.

And your legacy could have lasted beyond this campaign because fear is fleeting, while hope abides. None of us has the power to make America great again—America is an idea, a proposition—but you could have made a more perfect union.

You could have seized a chance so few of us ever get.

You could have done so much with all you had.

You could be winning.

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