By: The Fucking News Staff

Following Tuesday night’s primary results, apparently handing Donald Trump the Republican nomination, the GOP began a fierce internal debate over how to use the Monkey’s Paw third and final wish.

The Monkey’s Paw, a fabled relic said to have supernatural powers, came into the GOP’s possession when it was given to them by a dying, old, white, male demographic who warned the GOP it could grant them any wish, but would come with terrible, unintended consequences.

In an exclusive interview with The Fucking News, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), said, “At first, we used it for something small and inocuous. All we wished for was a candidate who was a Washington outsider and a businessman and didn’t care if he was politically incorrect.”

The Fucking News has confirmed that first wish was granted last summer. According to Graham, however, “It came with an awful price. We lost our favorite son. God help us, poor young Jeb got caught in the party machinery. When they pulled him out, he looked…he was unrecognizable.”

Sources tell The Fucking News the GOP then used its second wish to give the nomination to its most popular candidate, no matter what. After a period of agonizing suspense, a knock came on the GOP's door Tuesday night in Indiana.

That left the GOP embroiled in debate Wednesday over whether to open the door and embrace the shambling grotesquerie they have summoned…or to use their final wish to kill it entirely with a third-party run.

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus told The Fucking News, “We have to open the door and let it in. Yes, it’s a monstrosity that we wished into existence, but it’s a Republican monstrosity.”

Mark Salter, a former top campaign aide to Sen. John McCain, tweeted that he thinks the GOP should use its third wish to make Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton president. He added, “I told them we should’ve used the first wish to reach out to Hispanics. I fucking told them.”